This Bitter Pill
by brazzo
Summary: Right now, I'm just wondering how much longer I have. It's weird the way all your thoughts suddenly clarify right before you die. Kind of ironic. / Cam. Deals with suicide.


_Hiya! Here's a little one-shot for ya. A little unrequited Cam love. This story was written spur of the moment while listening to the song "This Bitter Pill" by Dashboard Confessional. I HIGHLY recommend listening to it before or while reading this story. It really sets the mood of Sam's perspective and falls in almost seamlessly with all that's going on. _

_I really hope you enjoy and can understand it, seeing as it's 3 in the morning and I've just finished and posted this without really proofing it first, haha. Ooh, and I'd love to hear your comments/reviews/criticism/feedback. Whatever you like to call it. =]_

Disclaimer: I own not iCarly or any Dashboard Confessional song. Though I really, really wish I did, haha.

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I don't know how it happened really. I guess everything finally caught up to me all at once.

It was never really supposed to happen like this. I always would repress my feelings, put them away for a rainy day. But they weren't supposed to all crash down on me at once. That wasn't the plan. It just wasn't.

Okay, so I admit that I don't really know what "the plan" is, but I know for sure that this wasn't included. At all.

Right now, I'm just wondering how much longer I have. It's weird the way all your thoughts suddenly clarify right before you die. Kind of ironic. The reason I did this was because I didn't know. I was confused. I was unsure. But not anymore. It feels good to finally know. To finally be sure. But it sucks hard to know it's all in vain cause it shouldn't be much longer now.

I wish there was a way I could record this story. Let everyone know why I did this. I didn't leave a note. Damn. Maybe I should have. Or maybe that would have just make things worse. Who knows at this point.

The reason, the reason I'm lying here on the floor, my eyes struggling to focus, my limbs struggling to hold me up is all because of _her_. No, I don't mean she forced me to do this, or even broke my heart like what happens to most people that do this sort of thing. So I guess it's really me. It'd be wrong to say it was because of her. But she definitely has a part in this.

I'm in love with my best friend. And she doesn't know it. And it's clear she doesn't feel the same way. And it sucks. But that isn't all. I'm not so trivial to end my life because a crush comes up empty handed.

I guess I've been depressed for awhile. But only when I'm alone. Which is how I am now. Which, in a way, is how I've always been. Which is how I envisioned my whole life to be. And I hate being alone.

Like I said, besides her, there were other factors. I failed school again. This is my second year to do so. I guess I'm just not smart. At least not as smart as _she _always would tell me I am. And again, that's not the reason I've done this, but it does add to my pain.

My mom left yesterday. She's not coming back. Ever. I know this because on top of all her clothes and all the furniture being gone, along with a letter explaining her reasons, she left me with a good bit of cash. Something she, being so selfish, would never have done under false pretenses. She means it. And that hurts more than anything.

She left with Rick, my stepdad of the past few months. I'm glad he's gone. I hate him more than I've ever hated anything before in my whole life. And hate isn't even a strong enough word to describe my feelings toward him. I don't know why my mom would leave with such a douchebag. The way he'd hit her, the way he'd hit me. How can a mother stand by her man after he feels up her daughter? Right in front of her? I will never, scratch that, I would have never been like that with my daughter. My daughter would have lived an enchanted life. Even if it would have only been me, she'd know that no matter what no one would ever have loved her as much as I would have. If that makes sense.

But on top of everything else, all the abuse, all the drama, all the unrequited love, the thing that finally made me snap was not winning this stupid, ridiculous webcast award show. See, I was nominated for best webshow co-host and, for some reason, this made me really happy. All I had ever wanted in this world was for people to see me, as I am, and to love me all the same. So I went over to _her_ apartment to watch it online. But I didn't win. I lost. I lost everything.

After the award show, Carly, the girl I've been talking about, the love of my life, looked at me and said, "Well hey, they must not really know my Sam. The girl I love so much, cause if they did, you would have won." I knew she didn't mean it the way I did, but when she said the words "the girl I love so much," I lost all control. She half-smiled at me and I did the unthinkable. I closed the space between us and placed my lips on her. I let out all of my frustration on her mouth, kissing her roughly as she just sat there stunned. After realizing she wasn't kissing back, that she didn't share my feelings, and the fact that I just ruined our friendship forever in one, stupid mistake, I jumped up and ran. I heard her calling after me, but I didn't stop, I couldn't stop. I ran and ran and ran some more, letting the cold, hard, appropriate rain fall down on my head. I got home and went straight to the bathroom, not even stopping for breath.

I rummaged through our medicine cabinet hoping, no praying my mom didn't take all of her stash. And she didn't. There was one lonely prescription pill bottle in a sea of generic over-the-counter boxes and containers. I grabbed the bottle and read the label. "Lortab." Good. I took it and ran to the kitchen. I looked in the cabinet for a glass, but they were all gone. Cursing myself, I turned the tap on. Taking the bottle, I poured it's entire contents into my hand. How much would be enough? I wasn't sure, so I took them all, draining them down with some water from the sink.

Now, my muscles are spasming out of control. I can... I can see my hands. They're blue. Why are they blue? I'm itching all over and I begin to freak out. I'm compulsing on the floor. Why did I do this? I don't want to die! This, this isn't what... this isn't... this isn't what I want... not, not anymore.

The twitching stops, and I'm in a cold sweat. I want to throw up, but I can't... I'm, I'm too weak. I can feel my heartbeat slowing. Oh my god! I'm going to die! I'm going to... I'm, I'm going to... die.

This isn't right. I'm fading now... Why did I do this? I want, I – I want to live. I want... I want Carly. I want her with me. I want her to tell me its going to be alright. I need her.

And it's funny. I swear I can hear her voice calling to me. Sam! Sam! That's what she's saying. It feels good to hear her say my name, even if it is just my mind going crazy. Not much longer now. I can tell cause it's hard to breath. It's hard to move. It's hard to live. My eyes start to roll back in my head. But I can feel someone holding my hand.

Now they're holding _both _of my hands. And my head. And my chest. And my feet and legs and everywhere. How can one person hold me in so many places? Is, is this what it's like to die? It must be, I mean, hah. 'Cause I _am_ dying.

Weird. I feel pressure on my chest. My back arches and something strange pulses through me. Like electricity. It reminds me of the feeling I used to get when Carly would touch me, but a thousand times more intense. I'm being lifted up now. That's weird. Oh wait, I'm lying on something again. The floor? But it's softer than the floor...

Something strange and foreign is now in my mouth, down my throat, into the depths of my body and to the pit of my stomach. My stomach lurches, but no good. I can't throw up, I don't have it in me. Though why do I feel lighter? Why can I feel the bile and sick leaving me? I dry heave a few times. This isn't how I imagined dying would be.

I hear voices. Angels? No, their voices are too rushed and serious to be angels. Though, as I open my eyes, I swear I'm staring at one. A bright light blinds me, but there she is. The most beautiful angel staring down at me. She's saying something. I can tell, but I can't understand her. All the voices are muffled, including her's. This frustrates me and I begin to kick and lash out. I want to know what she is saying to me! I want to hear her! I struggle to open my eyes wider to see. My eyes begin to focus and so does the angel. I can see her now! She's got brown hair and brown eyes and she's, she's stunning. She smiles down at me, though her other features suggest that she might be worried. I try to smile back, but to no avail.

My other senses begin to come back to me. I'm lying down and there's two other people in this microscopic room. They're poking and prodding and sticking stuff into me. Wait, is this room moving?! I feel like I'm being rocked back and forth, and the angels move with me. I hear another noise now. Is that music? ... No! No, it's sirens! Like the kind that you would hear on an ambulance. What an odd thing to be hearing at a time like this. Unless...

"Carly?" I question in disbelief, looking up at the angel. My angel. The thing that used to be choking me, sucking the contents of my stomach out has been removed, though now in it's place is some sort of mask pumping oxygen through me, making my words sound strange.

"Shhh." I hear the angel saying. She begins stroking my hair until another angel, a male one, tells her to move out of the way. "Nooo." I whine. Our room has stopped rocking now. Whatever I'm lying on begins to move too. I feel a rush of cold air as the two male angels push me into the darkness. I begin screaming. I want my angel back! I thrash and kick and struggle against everything. I feel my limbs being tied down to what I'm lying on as we move. The two other angels and me. "Carly!" a shout out again, trying to hold my hand out. Trying to bring my angel back to me. A bright light now engulfs me, along with a weird smell. And then she's back. Grabbing on to my restrained hand. More angels surround me. I hear them mutter things like "hmm..." and "I see..." Then I hear it. This word makes me cringe. "Suicide." My angel tightens her grip on my hand when she sees my dislike of that word.

Of course by now I've realized that I'm not dead. Not in anyway. Though, I could be in heaven because she's here with me. My angel. My Carly. She holds onto me until they make her let go again, and though I know it's pointless, the second she releases her grip on me, I begin crying out, screaming for her to come back to me. I now try to resist all the other angels, I mean _doctors_.

They let her follow wherever we're going. Another small room. They plug me into various malicious looking machines and check over me. I can hear them asking me things, but I can't respond coherently. My angel answers their questions for me. I smile despite myself. I close my eyes and tighten my grip around my angel's hand. She responds in the same way. I begin to drift to sleep and as I do, I feel a pair of soft lips touching my forehead, those lips I yearned for for so long. All the while, my angle never lets go of my hand. And then I know that it's all going to be okay. She doesn't hate me like I thought. She may not love me like I love her, but she still _cares_.

And as I realize for the hundredth time that night that what I did, that trying to end it all, was a mistake, I feel a glimmer of hope for me and the girl sitting next to my hospital bed, absentmindedly stroking the top of my hand with her thumb. And that's enough to make me thankful.

Thankful for my angel.

Thankful for my Carly.

Thankful for my life.

I smile once more before falling into a deep sleep and unwillingly, yet happily, more in love with _her_.


End file.
